I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
