Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Text me some of your sweat
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
