TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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