maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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