Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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