I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
