So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
