So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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