I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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