you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
