you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize
