I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Randomize
