I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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