i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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