I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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