I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
