You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
