i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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