i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
