You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
