i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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