My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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