Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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