Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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