if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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