every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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