I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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