Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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