Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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