i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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