I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
