So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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