Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
