guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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