update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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