Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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