Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
