Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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