for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
How does one acquire holy water?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
