Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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