All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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