I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
