I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
