This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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