i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
