i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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