Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Couch. On fire.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
