got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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