Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
