everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
