He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
