well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
