i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
