I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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