i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
