About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
