i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
