i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
