and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
