96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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